I’m not exaggerating. This has been one of the worst weeks since Cassie & I split. After thinking about it all week, all I can say is that certain pieces of my life can only go up from here.
First off, sorry for getting my court date wrong. My dad had told me ‘the first working day of the week’ but I forgot out Memorial Day. (Sorry veterans.
) It was Tuesday & not Monday.
With the confusion all cleared, now I can tell u about everything.
Semester finals came & went. I stayed focused & buckled down as much as I could. Grades were posted on Sunday morning so I got a nice big pay out from my dad for good grades.
2 B’s & the rest A’s. Damn good considering how hard this semester was. & when u think that through part of that I was recovering from a really painful break up --- u have got to at least give me some credit for that. Good news there. & the only really good news I have for u.
Dad & I told Holly about what my mom said & about our Tuesday court date. She quietly listened & when it was over she got up & went into her & my dad’s room & started packing. She & my dad started fighting so I took Vivi to the park for a while & put Rhodey out in the yard to spare his ears. When we got home, Holly had left. Apparently, it had been her intention to take Vivi too but she was out with me & my dad protested against it stating that it would only confuse her. To which Holly replied, ‘Fine! But if something happens to her don’t u dare come & blame me!’
I’d be lying if Vivi wasn’t confused anyway. She kept looking for Mommy & all my dad & I could think to say was that Mommy was visiting friends. It’s not wrong b/c that’s where she was but it wasn’t to go have popsicles & play outside, u know?
Holly called each day she was gone to check on us. Although she called me & not my dad. Finally she called on Monday to talk to my dad. She came home that afternoon & said she was sorry for freaking out. From there we buried it under the rug for later so that we could enjoy Memorial Day like we usually do --- preparing way too much food & BBQing.
We had Josh & his family over to join us. By evening, the twins were asleep on our couch & Vivi passed out on the chair & Rhodey was laid out in front of the a/c vent in the kitchen. A lot of clean up but it was a nice distraction from how the weekend had been.
I was laying in my bed that night trying to sleep & not think about court & failing at it. I could overhear muffled conversation from the next room between my dad & Holly. No offense to Holly. I’m not going to sit here & tell u that I understand what it’s like to be a parent or worry about your kids or hear what she heard. But that is why we didn’t want to tell her. We knew she’d react bad. Hell I told my Auntie Mick the day it all happened & the day I talked to my dad. She didn’t freak out. Maybe adult problems are different. I love my stepmom but if Holly didn’t do a 180 all suddenly when stuff gets complicated then maybe we wouldn’t have felt it was a good idea to keep it from her u know?
Anyway, she promised to come with to court & give her best support. It wasn’t enough to ease my mind though. I felt like I’d only slept a few hours the next morning. I had a feeling that it was going to be bad. I had no fucking idea.
I had a one on one with the judge who for some reason really invests himself in our case. We talked about what I had heard & how I had been feeling. I swear, sometimes talking to a judge is like talking to a psychiatrist. They have to cover everything to make sure that the decision is yours & not one forced on u by your parents. They want to ensure your safety & your health. Boring boring boring. All stuff I’ve more or less told u guys already as this shit has been unfolding.
We went back to the courtroom & my mom didn’t seem upset. I didn’t understand why until everything got started. She had no idea that we were all there to end visitation. Did the receptionist or her lawyer fuck up or did her brain dead husband not tell her or what? U would think she’d know that before showing up.
Just as she heard it, my mom jumped up & started swearing at the judge. Then she tried to get back into the seating swearing at Holly saying this was her fault & that she was trying to take away her son. My dad was gripping the chair trying not to jump up & intervene b/c restraining my mom is the job of the court security. (To do anything could get u in trouble with the court.)
All of that was pretty bad but this part is the worst of it all. My mom turns to my dad & starts half yelling & half crying saying ‘why would u let her do this to me? I have suffered enough without my baby.’ & some crazy shit about ‘isn’t it bad enough she stole u away from me?’.
I’m standing there like, ‘What the fuck?’ First of all, my dad does not like u & hasn’t since before I was born. U were a terrible person to him & he has every right not to like u. Second, u have feelings for my dad? Seriously? Again u never thought of him over u & what u wanted & u paid for it. It’s wrong in so many areas. Maybe even delusional. I had to use all of the strength in my body to sit down like a good citizen & be quiet.
My mom had to be dragged out of the room fighting & screaming & crying by two security guards & was put in contempt & back to jail again for being ‘unorderly & belligerent during court proceedings, disrespecting the judge, etc’.
Since then, my dad has been having nightmares. I know b/c I hear him gasping down the hall as he’s walking it off. Probably going to the kitchen for some water. I don’t get up to check on him b/c I figure he’d probably not want to be seen like that by me. Sometimes Holly gets up with him so he isn't always alone.
I shouldn't be surprised. I knew that crazy shit my mom was spewing was freaking him out when it happened even. She was the worst part of his life except maybe when his parents died when he was young. I think about how it took this much for him to mentally break & start having nightmares & how I've been having supervised visitation for years & it never made him like this. I know I have said this before but damn my dad is a strong person.
Sometimes I feel really guilty having went through all of this. Like I should have had the brains years ago to say that I didn't want to meet her & keep her out of our lives. I don't know. Maybe that's stupid to say about a little boy but I really have felt that way sometimes & especially this week. My dad doesn't deserve this shit.
& as if u couldn’t tell by my knowing all that's happening at night, I haven’t been sleeping either. I eventually pass out from exhaustion at weird times. I actually woke up last night around 8pm sitting on the floor with my back against the couch & Vivi touching my face saying ‘Sleepy Justin’ & trying to put her tiny blanket on my leg. I felt so guilty b/c the last thing I remember is playing with her. I know she's a toddler but she has feelings too. I hope she didn't take it too personal.
The situation was fucked up before but her saying all of that about having feelings for my dad. That blew me to a whole different horrible mental place. I have never once said this about my mom out of respect & b/c I was giving her an honest chance but seriously. 'What a bitch. Fuck her.'
She’ll be a real nice prize for hell someday. She better not try to contact me when I turn 18. I’m going to try & bury her away with all of the other bad shit in my head & try to forget it. I have too much great stuff in my life to have her pulling at my brain waves. We all deserve better than her poison.
I didn’t want to end my journal talking about that, so, now I’ll backtrack.
Sunday was high school graduation. Tony graduated & Nicole did too. I’m not sure how in the hell she did that. To stay in the cheerleading squad, she needed to maintain a C average & I know there were times that Kirsten did her homework & stuff. But that doesn’t help with tests & stuff so I don’t know. I’m sure she was near the bottom of the ranks but still.
Tony isn’t sure about college. He might be going to community college for a while until he figures some stuff out. Even still, he can’t be a part of the troupe anymore once he turns 19 so we are going to have to bust our asses this summer to get in everything we want to do which sounds nice. A distraction from everything that happened in court for three months is more than welcome.
Speaking of college though, it’s all everyone is talking about. I already had a heart to heart with my DA big sis GG about it, b/c she is in college & she knows more about it. They take your junior year grades as placement grades. (Which is the third year of four years of high school prior to college) I think about it & it scares me to death. The thought of moving out or going away to college away from my family & the only place I’ve known my whole life. Thinking about what I want with my life & having no damn idea.
Gabe knows he wants to go for science & robotics & be really rich someday.
Kirsten knows she wants to do business & minor in interior design & also be really rich someday.
Josh isn’t sure, but at least he has thought about going to car college & become some kind of awesome mechanic.
Even my dad knew what he wanted & now he’s a super important senior engineer at his job.
All I can think about is how much I love dancing. But I don’t want to go to school with a bunch of stuck up dickheads at Julliard nor do I want to move to New York for it. (& that’s IF I would be good enough to get in.) I don’t have a specific thing academically that I’m both good at & interests me enough to be a career. But I don’t want to be the only guy without a plan or a dream that isn’t impossible. Just hanging back with the rejects & the burnouts that stay behind. No thanks. I know I’m not the only scared person in school about this, but damn do I feel like it.
Speaking of Josh, Annie’s parents announced that her father got a promotion. That was all great until they added that the promotion will require the family to pick up & move to New Mexico in late summer. About 1,300 miles away. Annie’s been taking it hard & trying to convince her parents to allow her to stay here with family instead of moving with them. Josh is in some kind of warped denial. I’ve been trying to think of how I’m going to help him when it finally sinks in. In July this year, it will be two years for them together. The guy that I wondered if he’d ever get a girlfriend has had one for almost two years. I don't always get their relationship or how they stay together sometimes but they are happy with each other. Who am I to say u know? But this is how it’s going to end? With her moving away? Seems stupid to me.
My DA besty has a boyfriend in another country. They do long distance & it’s hard as hell. But it’s been working for a long time & they really care about each other. If u are strong enough to do it, then great. But I have this gut feeling that they wouldn’t be able to make it. I could be wrong. I have been wrong about people before. But they have always been really close & don't go more than a day without physically seeing each other & all of that stuff. Like I say --- gut feeling.
See. I told u. This week has been hell. If it's not one thing it's another. It’s been so bad that I can’t even think about how the whole Cassie’s e-mail thing was confusing. It’s taken a back seat to all of this other shit. Good thing I have all summer to try & figure it all out. U would think that three months of summer vacation from school would be a time to relax but it looks like it’s going to be all damage control so I can concentrate next year. & Josh too. He’ll need the grades for college too. We have to get all of our stuff together before August. To think Kirsten's biggest problem is to see if she can get Gabe to go shirtless at the annual summer bash/Nicole's graduation party.
(
I wouldn't count on it. I might have helped the guy get some muscles but he's still shy as hell. If I were a betting man, I'd make myself so rich off of that.)
How have u guys been doing? I know Sarah & GG are on summer break too so how’s that been going? Hey overseas friends, when do u get your next break?
When I think about the possibility of us all having a break at the same time I imagine a Pangaea where we all magically live within walking distance. Or some kind of crazy machine Gabe cooked up that could transfer us to each other's houses. I'd drive u all insane.
At least u would like the stuff I'd bring u. Food or a movie or something depending on who u are. We'd have a badass time. Promise.
Imagine the possibilities & post that as part of your comment or note it to me. I know I'll get a damn good laugh out of this.
(GG. I'd buy u a bike!
)