Journals135
Newest
Changing It Up
2 min read
Hey guys. I'm dropping a quick line to prevent confusion. I thought u should know that I changed my username & avatar. (Hi. Still the same guy u know & love 
)
I'm off to a job interview in about 20 minutes. I figured I needed to try having a job to see if it would help jump start me on the rest of my life & what job I want. I can't know unless I experience right? (B/c of all of that college talk bullshit. It's not going to go away so I better hit it with my horns head on bull style!
)
I also have a date tomorrow night. Just a harmless date. Kirsten convinced me to give it a try. I'm not comfortable (b/c of fear mostly --- not b/c I'm not ready to move on) but maybe I won't be unless I try to get out there again?
Just so u guys are all aware, I figure that my plans to be on DA more are kind of dashed. If I get this job or any job & add dancing & dating & family & therapy & all of my other shit, I'll only be able to get on a little at a time. That's why I figured a change to my profile was a good thing. I talk to most of u on my phone now anyway. Hit me up there anytime.
It's always on me or in my gym bag or somewhere that I can find it on the same day if not the same hour. 
I better hit the pavement. It doesn't look good to be late. Talk to u guys later, alright?
) I'm off to a job interview in about 20 minutes. I figured I needed to try having a job to see if it would help jump start me on the rest of my life & what job I want. I can't know unless I experience right? (B/c of all of that college talk bullshit. It's not going to go away so I better hit it with my horns head on bull style!
) I also have a date tomorrow night. Just a harmless date. Kirsten convinced me to give it a try. I'm not comfortable (b/c of fear mostly --- not b/c I'm not ready to move on) but maybe I won't be unless I try to get out there again?
Just so u guys are all aware, I figure that my plans to be on DA more are kind of dashed. If I get this job or any job & add dancing & dating & family & therapy & all of my other shit, I'll only be able to get on a little at a time. That's why I figured a change to my profile was a good thing. I talk to most of u on my phone now anyway. Hit me up there anytime.
It's always on me or in my gym bag or somewhere that I can find it on the same day if not the same hour. I better hit the pavement. It doesn't look good to be late. Talk to u guys later, alright?
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Hell Week
14 min read
I’m not exaggerating. This has been one of the worst weeks since Cassie & I split. After thinking about it all week, all I can say is that certain pieces of my life can only go up from here.
First off, sorry for getting my court date wrong. My dad had told me ‘the first working day of the week’ but I forgot out Memorial Day. (Sorry veterans. 
) It was Tuesday & not Monday.
) It was Tuesday & not Monday.With the confusion all cleared, now I can tell u about everything.
Semester finals came & went. I stayed focused & buckled down as much as I could. Grades were posted on Sunday morning so I got a nice big pay out from my dad for good grades. 
2 B’s & the rest A’s. Damn good considering how hard this semester was. & when u think that through part of that I was recovering from a really painful break up --- u have got to at least give me some credit for that. Good news there. & the only really good news I have for u.
2 B’s & the rest A’s. Damn good considering how hard this semester was. & when u think that through part of that I was recovering from a really painful break up --- u have got to at least give me some credit for that. Good news there. & the only really good news I have for u.Dad & I told Holly about what my mom said & about our Tuesday court date. She quietly listened & when it was over she got up & went into her & my dad’s room & started packing. She & my dad started fighting so I took Vivi to the park for a while & put Rhodey out in the yard to spare his ears. When we got home, Holly had left. Apparently, it had been her intention to take Vivi too but she was out with me & my dad protested against it stating that it would only confuse her. To which Holly replied, ‘Fine! But if something happens to her don’t u dare come & blame me!’
I’d be lying if Vivi wasn’t confused anyway. She kept looking for Mommy & all my dad & I could think to say was that Mommy was visiting friends. It’s not wrong b/c that’s where she was but it wasn’t to go have popsicles & play outside, u know?
Holly called each day she was gone to check on us. Although she called me & not my dad. Finally she called on Monday to talk to my dad. She came home that afternoon & said she was sorry for freaking out. From there we buried it under the rug for later so that we could enjoy Memorial Day like we usually do --- preparing way too much food & BBQing. 
We had Josh & his family over to join us. By evening, the twins were asleep on our couch & Vivi passed out on the chair & Rhodey was laid out in front of the a/c vent in the kitchen. A lot of clean up but it was a nice distraction from how the weekend had been.
We had Josh & his family over to join us. By evening, the twins were asleep on our couch & Vivi passed out on the chair & Rhodey was laid out in front of the a/c vent in the kitchen. A lot of clean up but it was a nice distraction from how the weekend had been.I was laying in my bed that night trying to sleep & not think about court & failing at it. I could overhear muffled conversation from the next room between my dad & Holly. No offense to Holly. I’m not going to sit here & tell u that I understand what it’s like to be a parent or worry about your kids or hear what she heard. But that is why we didn’t want to tell her. We knew she’d react bad. Hell I told my Auntie Mick the day it all happened & the day I talked to my dad. She didn’t freak out. Maybe adult problems are different. I love my stepmom but if Holly didn’t do a 180 all suddenly when stuff gets complicated then maybe we wouldn’t have felt it was a good idea to keep it from her u know?
Anyway, she promised to come with to court & give her best support. It wasn’t enough to ease my mind though. I felt like I’d only slept a few hours the next morning. I had a feeling that it was going to be bad. I had no fucking idea.
I had a one on one with the judge who for some reason really invests himself in our case. We talked about what I had heard & how I had been feeling. I swear, sometimes talking to a judge is like talking to a psychiatrist. They have to cover everything to make sure that the decision is yours & not one forced on u by your parents. They want to ensure your safety & your health. Boring boring boring. All stuff I’ve more or less told u guys already as this shit has been unfolding.
We went back to the courtroom & my mom didn’t seem upset. I didn’t understand why until everything got started. She had no idea that we were all there to end visitation. Did the receptionist or her lawyer fuck up or did her brain dead husband not tell her or what? U would think she’d know that before showing up.
Just as she heard it, my mom jumped up & started swearing at the judge. Then she tried to get back into the seating swearing at Holly saying this was her fault & that she was trying to take away her son. My dad was gripping the chair trying not to jump up & intervene b/c restraining my mom is the job of the court security. (To do anything could get u in trouble with the court.)
All of that was pretty bad but this part is the worst of it all. My mom turns to my dad & starts half yelling & half crying saying ‘why would u let her do this to me? I have suffered enough without my baby.’ & some crazy shit about ‘isn’t it bad enough she stole u away from me?’.
I’m standing there like, ‘What the fuck?’ First of all, my dad does not like u & hasn’t since before I was born. U were a terrible person to him & he has every right not to like u. Second, u have feelings for my dad? Seriously? Again u never thought of him over u & what u wanted & u paid for it. It’s wrong in so many areas. Maybe even delusional. I had to use all of the strength in my body to sit down like a good citizen & be quiet.
My mom had to be dragged out of the room fighting & screaming & crying by two security guards & was put in contempt & back to jail again for being ‘unorderly & belligerent during court proceedings, disrespecting the judge, etc’.
Since then, my dad has been having nightmares. I know b/c I hear him gasping down the hall as he’s walking it off. Probably going to the kitchen for some water. I don’t get up to check on him b/c I figure he’d probably not want to be seen like that by me. Sometimes Holly gets up with him so he isn't always alone.
I shouldn't be surprised. I knew that crazy shit my mom was spewing was freaking him out when it happened even. She was the worst part of his life except maybe when his parents died when he was young. I think about how it took this much for him to mentally break & start having nightmares & how I've been having supervised visitation for years & it never made him like this. I know I have said this before but damn my dad is a strong person.
Sometimes I feel really guilty having went through all of this. Like I should have had the brains years ago to say that I didn't want to meet her & keep her out of our lives. I don't know. Maybe that's stupid to say about a little boy but I really have felt that way sometimes & especially this week. My dad doesn't deserve this shit.
& as if u couldn’t tell by my knowing all that's happening at night, I haven’t been sleeping either. I eventually pass out from exhaustion at weird times. I actually woke up last night around 8pm sitting on the floor with my back against the couch & Vivi touching my face saying ‘Sleepy Justin’ & trying to put her tiny blanket on my leg. I felt so guilty b/c the last thing I remember is playing with her. I know she's a toddler but she has feelings too. I hope she didn't take it too personal. 
The situation was fucked up before but her saying all of that about having feelings for my dad. That blew me to a whole different horrible mental place. I have never once said this about my mom out of respect & b/c I was giving her an honest chance but seriously. 'What a bitch. Fuck her.' 
She’ll be a real nice prize for hell someday. She better not try to contact me when I turn 18. I’m going to try & bury her away with all of the other bad shit in my head & try to forget it. I have too much great stuff in my life to have her pulling at my brain waves. We all deserve better than her poison.
She’ll be a real nice prize for hell someday. She better not try to contact me when I turn 18. I’m going to try & bury her away with all of the other bad shit in my head & try to forget it. I have too much great stuff in my life to have her pulling at my brain waves. We all deserve better than her poison. I didn’t want to end my journal talking about that, so, now I’ll backtrack.
Sunday was high school graduation. Tony graduated & Nicole did too. I’m not sure how in the hell she did that. To stay in the cheerleading squad, she needed to maintain a C average & I know there were times that Kirsten did her homework & stuff. But that doesn’t help with tests & stuff so I don’t know. I’m sure she was near the bottom of the ranks but still. 
Tony isn’t sure about college. He might be going to community college for a while until he figures some stuff out. Even still, he can’t be a part of the troupe anymore once he turns 19 so we are going to have to bust our asses this summer to get in everything we want to do which sounds nice. A distraction from everything that happened in court for three months is more than welcome.
Speaking of college though, it’s all everyone is talking about. I already had a heart to heart with my DA big sis GG about it, b/c she is in college & she knows more about it. They take your junior year grades as placement grades. (Which is the third year of four years of high school prior to college) I think about it & it scares me to death. The thought of moving out or going away to college away from my family & the only place I’ve known my whole life. Thinking about what I want with my life & having no damn idea.
Gabe knows he wants to go for science & robotics & be really rich someday.
Kirsten knows she wants to do business & minor in interior design & also be really rich someday.
Josh isn’t sure, but at least he has thought about going to car college & become some kind of awesome mechanic.
Even my dad knew what he wanted & now he’s a super important senior engineer at his job.
All I can think about is how much I love dancing. But I don’t want to go to school with a bunch of stuck up dickheads at Julliard nor do I want to move to New York for it. (& that’s IF I would be good enough to get in.) I don’t have a specific thing academically that I’m both good at & interests me enough to be a career. But I don’t want to be the only guy without a plan or a dream that isn’t impossible. Just hanging back with the rejects & the burnouts that stay behind. No thanks. I know I’m not the only scared person in school about this, but damn do I feel like it. 
Speaking of Josh, Annie’s parents announced that her father got a promotion. That was all great until they added that the promotion will require the family to pick up & move to New Mexico in late summer. About 1,300 miles away. Annie’s been taking it hard & trying to convince her parents to allow her to stay here with family instead of moving with them. Josh is in some kind of warped denial. I’ve been trying to think of how I’m going to help him when it finally sinks in. In July this year, it will be two years for them together. The guy that I wondered if he’d ever get a girlfriend has had one for almost two years. I don't always get their relationship or how they stay together sometimes but they are happy with each other. Who am I to say u know? But this is how it’s going to end? With her moving away? Seems stupid to me. 
My DA besty has a boyfriend in another country. They do long distance & it’s hard as hell. But it’s been working for a long time & they really care about each other. If u are strong enough to do it, then great. But I have this gut feeling that they wouldn’t be able to make it. I could be wrong. I have been wrong about people before. But they have always been really close & don't go more than a day without physically seeing each other & all of that stuff. Like I say --- gut feeling.
See. I told u. This week has been hell. If it's not one thing it's another. It’s been so bad that I can’t even think about how the whole Cassie’s e-mail thing was confusing. It’s taken a back seat to all of this other shit. Good thing I have all summer to try & figure it all out. U would think that three months of summer vacation from school would be a time to relax but it looks like it’s going to be all damage control so I can concentrate next year. & Josh too. He’ll need the grades for college too. We have to get all of our stuff together before August. To think Kirsten's biggest problem is to see if she can get Gabe to go shirtless at the annual summer bash/Nicole's graduation party.
(
I wouldn't count on it. I might have helped the guy get some muscles but he's still shy as hell. If I were a betting man, I'd make myself so rich off of that.)
I wouldn't count on it. I might have helped the guy get some muscles but he's still shy as hell. If I were a betting man, I'd make myself so rich off of that.)How have u guys been doing? I know Sarah & GG are on summer break too so how’s that been going? Hey overseas friends, when do u get your next break?
When I think about the possibility of us all having a break at the same time I imagine a Pangaea where we all magically live within walking distance. Or some kind of crazy machine Gabe cooked up that could transfer us to each other's houses. I'd drive u all insane. 
At least u would like the stuff I'd bring u. Food or a movie or something depending on who u are. We'd have a badass time. Promise. 
At least u would like the stuff I'd bring u. Food or a movie or something depending on who u are. We'd have a badass time. Promise. Imagine the possibilities & post that as part of your comment or note it to me. I know I'll get a damn good laugh out of this.
(GG. I'd buy u a bike! 
)
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Almost Summer-Tying Up Loose Ends
4 min read
It’s finally finals week. Tomorrow is my last full day & then three days worth of semester testing. I really hope to be more involved with DA again starting after that. Or at least better than I have been. Wish me luck guys!
We also have a court date now for cancelling visitation or at least starting the process. Figures that it’s the first Monday of my summer break. (May 26) But I guess it can’t be avoided forever. We will explain everything to Holly Friday night after my finals are done. Just in case she takes it real bad. That way there won’t be any stress about it during my tests. Hell, I think we’ll need more luck with that then I will for my grades. Let’s put the luck on that instead.
I was initially going to write Cassie a letter about her ‘fainting episode’ but I wanted to be sympathetic without being too personal. So I e-mailed it. I basically told her that I had heard & that I was genuinely worried & that she can go ahead & lean on me if she needs a FRIEND. Further enforcing FRIEND with way more sentences & explanation then I needed but that’s how I am. I’d rather over explain & not be misunderstood. She wrote me back a few days later.
Cassie appreciated my concern & confirmed what I had said. She has been eating worse than before we dated in efforts to lose the ‘tons of weight she gained when we were together’.
She said she’s been mostly eating one salad a day with tons of vitamin water. But u don’t get what u need to be healthy from only that in your diet. & she’s not stupid. She knows that. It's more that she chooses to ignore it for the scale's sake.
Cassie explained that ballet is her life & she doesn’t know any different. A surprise to me --- she said that our break up was the hardest thing that she ever had to do. She said if she didn’t have to pick she would have never left & wishes a lot that we could be together again & that she misses me everyday. But she also said that I deserve better than her & that's her motivation not to try & get me back.
I guess that depends on who u ask b/c I know how important dance can be to a person. But I also know that I probably could have given it up for her at the time if there was no other way. Of course, there was no dire problem there so in some ways I still don’t get it. I probably never will.
& her motivation to not date me again is b/c she doesn't want to be selfish & wants to put me first even though she couldn't do that to keep us together? Am I the only one who is confused?
Girls. A mystery as always.
I know this is shorter compared to my normal long winded update but this is all I’ve got. Also, I have to get back to work on the last of my last homework assignments. (Giant review packets. Yay.
)
A final note-My DA besty is from Serbia. She & her family are fine, but u may have heard the country is going through a lot with flooding. Displacement & lost homes & no power. Bad stuff. So if u have a spare minute, give a good thought or a prayer for the people over there. I’d appreciate it, as I know it helps the nerves of my friend. Also as they say ‘from your lips to God’s ears’. I’m sure any little bit helps.
We also have a court date now for cancelling visitation or at least starting the process. Figures that it’s the first Monday of my summer break. (May 26) But I guess it can’t be avoided forever. We will explain everything to Holly Friday night after my finals are done. Just in case she takes it real bad. That way there won’t be any stress about it during my tests. Hell, I think we’ll need more luck with that then I will for my grades. Let’s put the luck on that instead.
I was initially going to write Cassie a letter about her ‘fainting episode’ but I wanted to be sympathetic without being too personal. So I e-mailed it. I basically told her that I had heard & that I was genuinely worried & that she can go ahead & lean on me if she needs a FRIEND. Further enforcing FRIEND with way more sentences & explanation then I needed but that’s how I am. I’d rather over explain & not be misunderstood. She wrote me back a few days later.
Cassie appreciated my concern & confirmed what I had said. She has been eating worse than before we dated in efforts to lose the ‘tons of weight she gained when we were together’.
She said she’s been mostly eating one salad a day with tons of vitamin water. But u don’t get what u need to be healthy from only that in your diet. & she’s not stupid. She knows that. It's more that she chooses to ignore it for the scale's sake. Cassie explained that ballet is her life & she doesn’t know any different. A surprise to me --- she said that our break up was the hardest thing that she ever had to do. She said if she didn’t have to pick she would have never left & wishes a lot that we could be together again & that she misses me everyday. But she also said that I deserve better than her & that's her motivation not to try & get me back.
I guess that depends on who u ask b/c I know how important dance can be to a person. But I also know that I probably could have given it up for her at the time if there was no other way. Of course, there was no dire problem there so in some ways I still don’t get it. I probably never will.
& her motivation to not date me again is b/c she doesn't want to be selfish & wants to put me first even though she couldn't do that to keep us together? Am I the only one who is confused?
Girls. A mystery as always.
I know this is shorter compared to my normal long winded update but this is all I’ve got. Also, I have to get back to work on the last of my last homework assignments. (Giant review packets. Yay.
)A final note-My DA besty is from Serbia. She & her family are fine, but u may have heard the country is going through a lot with flooding. Displacement & lost homes & no power. Bad stuff. So if u have a spare minute, give a good thought or a prayer for the people over there. I’d appreciate it, as I know it helps the nerves of my friend. Also as they say ‘from your lips to God’s ears’. I’m sure any little bit helps.
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Decisions
6 min read
Two more weeks left! I can't wait to be done with this school year. I feel like it’s been nothing but push-pound-beat-fight my way through. & to be honest I feel like it hasn’t been homework. It’s been busy work. Do teachers feel like they aren’t doing their job if they aren’t giving us something to do with our free time? Thank God for
A quick shoutout & a thank u to any DA friends of mine who joined HeyWire or kik (this one is better) to better keep in touch with me while I’ve been so busy. U guys are awesome.
They are one of the world’s best dance groups out there right now. & I am ashamed to say that I have never thought to use classical for a routine. (Part of that is b/c I know my closed minded troupe would complain.
) This could be my last summer with Tony in the troupe --- if he goes away to some college. I will have to have him help me fight to try something like this before he goes. If he goes. Damn, I keep watching it. I want to be this good. So badass! (Some of it only looks easy. I promise.)
Thank God forsummer vacation! 
A quick shoutout & a thank u to any DA friends of mine who joined HeyWire or kik (this one is better) to better keep in touch with me while I’ve been so busy. U guys are awesome.
I don’t know if u know of them but here is a video of ‘Flying Steps’.
They are one of the world’s best dance groups out there right now. & I am ashamed to say that I have never thought to use classical for a routine. (Part of that is b/c I know my closed minded troupe would complain.
) This could be my last summer with Tony in the troupe --- if he goes away to some college. I will have to have him help me fight to try something like this before he goes. If he goes. Damn, I keep watching it. I want to be this good. So badass! (Some of it only looks easy. I promise.) Coming back from daydream-a-rama. I have a few things to say so I’m making some time for journaling tonight.
Yesterday was the first day that it’s been pretty hot here in a LONG time. It got to nearly 90 degrees F! On this same day, I was minding my own business at school when one of my friends came up to me yelling, ‘Did u hear?!?!?’
(Why do people ask that? There is no way to answer b/c u don’t know what u were supposed to hear about! )
) All of the gym classes were outside b/c it was actually nice enough to do it. I guess Cassie passed out during class & the paramedics were taking her to the hospital b/c she was severely dehydrated. I don’t think that’s it though. I know how Cassie ate before we dated & I know she’s been back to that. (Annie told me. They are still close friends.) She drinks a lot of water actually. Always has. But I think it’s more severely undernourished. I told my friend that. & she’s says, ‘How do u know? U guys aren’t dating anymore.’ It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know when u dated for a long time & u know how that
person is.
Shit is going to hit the fan with her parents when the hospital finds the real reason. I know this b/c Cassie’s mom told me once, ‘U have been really good for Cassie. She’s been so much happier & carries herself better & even looks healthier.’ Probably b/c she was healthier. Just saying.
I know Cassie isn’t your favorite person guys, but u would probably be upset if u could see how little she weighs now anyway. There’s nothing I can do about it. & I know that. But part of me feels like --- wait, let me be clear. I’m not looking to ask her out again or anything. That ship has long left the harbor. If I did that I’d be so stupid b/c I don’t even know why she broke up with me to begin with (even though I have a theory) & I’d have zero reassurance that Cassie wouldn’t dump me again for the same damn thing. Hell, if I did date her again, I’d be looking at a roller coaster of on & off & back & forth dating with her & I’m not looking for all of that drama & pain. Even though that’s all true, there’s a part of me that will always care about her. She was my first girlfriend & my first love. & part of me feels like I should call her or text her out of concern. Just b/c we aren’t dating
anymore & even though what she did was pretty shitty, I’m not a heartless asshole. With the way rumors move through our school, she knows that I know. What do u think?
After dodging out of visitation since that last incident with my mom, I finally thought enough & got up the balls to talk to my dad about it on Wednesday. He took it better than I thought he would. U could tell that he was still biting his tongue though. It’s kind of like he wanted to jump up & start yelling about how happy he was & say ‘Finally! We’ll be free
from that rotten bitch!’, but we all know my dad wouldn’t do that b/c ‘nomatter how I feel that still my son’s mother’. (Closed doors never hold your secrets in this house.)
Seriously. My dad is a much better man than me. I might still be only an inch or two shorter but I’ve got a long way to go before I reach him as a person.
Seriously. My dad is a much better man than me. I might still be only an inch or two shorter but I’ve got a long way to go before I reach him as a person.
I explained to my dad that I don't want Vivi to feel any negative backlash all b/c of what my mom said. He promised me that he'd do his best not to bubble her up even though his guard will always be higher from now on. Knowing that my dad is good for his word, he & I both know that Holly is the one we'll have to worry about. She is usually quiet & reserved. But my dad & I also know that nothing quite shoves Holly into hysterics quite like my mom. Especially since the 'supermarket stalking incidents'. (Which is why both my dad & Holly have restraining orders against my mom.) We haven't told her yet for this reason.
My dad already put in some calls to get a meeting with the judge & get some dates in the works. It's our strategy to get our words right & our actions ready while court dates are getting made. Once we know when this is going to happen, we'll tell Holly together & be ready for any reaction. I hope we are doing the right thing. It feels smart but I don't want Holly to be mad that we kept it from her u know? But my dad is her husband so he should know what's best. Still feels weird anyway.
My dad already put in some calls to get a meeting with the judge & get some dates in the works. It's our strategy to get our words right & our actions ready while court dates are getting made. Once we know when this is going to happen, we'll tell Holly together & be ready for any reaction. I hope we are doing the right thing. It feels smart but I don't want Holly to be mad that we kept it from her u know? But my dad is her husband so he should know what's best. Still feels weird anyway.
How are u guys doing? When is your next big break from school? Let's face it. WE ALL NEED ONE! 
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Mama Drama
5 min read
Fuck. I am so behind on DA. I'm sorry guys. If it's not school then it's something else. I will get back in here. I have to. Even if school needs to end for the summer first (May 23). I'll get back here. U haven't seen the last of Justin. 
I've been conflicted this week. I saw my mom for visitation & I have wondered for a while but I think she might be sick. Not like having cancer sick but maybe some kind of personality disorder. I've noticed for a long time how her moods change at the flip of a switch. It's never a small change either. It's always very happy or very angry or very sad. I guess a good way to put it would be that she has no grey area. She feels everything hardcore.
At Sunday visitation, we were talking about Easter. I was telling her my plans to try to make a great Easter for Vivi. & u know I have talked about my sister many times before with her. My mom's mood would usually change negatively but she would always say that her food was cold or that she was thinking about something stupid that the asshat said. But this time I know I heard her clearly. My question of 'isn't that a great idea?' was answered with a mumbled 'tiny pestilence'. (U can't mishear a word like 'pestilence'. Especially when u have attended a religious school your whole life.)
I looked at her & said, 'what was that?' She looked surprised for a second & gave me a very forced smile & said, 'I'm sorry. What was that last part, dear?'
I went on with our visitation like I hadn't heard it. I figured I should think about it. The more I do the more I'm sure. I was thinking of calling our visitation supervisor & asking her if she heard it too.
It's no secret that my mom doesn't like Holly. I don't know why. I always figured that it was some weird 'woman who is with your past guy' thing. (If u can call it that.) But what the hell could my mom have against a little girl? She's so cute & little & doesn't really make enemies yet. Stupid dramatic bullshit doesn't show up till later. So I don't know what to think. Is it b/c she's Holly's daughter? B/c that's some seriously fucked up logic. Vivi is also half my dad & my mom doesn't really seem to hold much against him except sometimes she doesn't agree with a courtroom choice in his favor. She always asks how he's doing & I always keep my answer short b/c I know my dad would like it if we didn't talk about him.
It's disturbing to think about somebody hating a toddler. Most of all my Vivi. Greatest little sister of all time.
Now I am asking myself if I want to keep up visitation or if I should try to talk to my mom first or what I should do. I started this as a boy who never had or knew about his real mom. After getting emotional permission from my dad & an ass ton of court proceedings later, we started bi weekly visitation. I wanted to know her. This elusive other half of my DNA. I'm not sure what I wanted to find & I'm still not sure.
My mom hasn't changed much over the years. She still forgets that I'm not four years old a lot. She's still extremely moody & sways like the wind blows. I call her mom for her sake. Not b/c it feels that way. I have humored her & tried my best for a lot of years to be a good son. I'll be 17 in August. By age 18 I'll be a legal adult & the courts won't be doing supervised visits anymore. At least I don't think so. The only thing they still enforce after age 18 is child support which my dad refused in court so it would all be my decision anyway. I know I've went back & forth on this before but what if I keep searching for something that I can't find? It's been years & the scarier shit is outweighing any benefit now that this involves Vivi.
Should I wait for that just to not involve the courts b/c it could get really messy? Or maybe it's smarter to involve the court b/c of mess control? If my mom does have something mentally wrong then maybe we'll need the court to help.
& if something is wrong I'll probably never know what exactly b/c my mom doesn't like to talk about her health or fixing her health or being accused of even having a cold. But what does that mean about me? I don't think mental illness is genetic but some behaviors are. Maybe this is why I've been so damn tired lately. My brain hurts from thinking so hard about it all week.
What do u guys think? Be honest. I need the real feedback.
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